You Do(n't) Have the Balls to be a Queer
by Celestial-Vapidity
Summary: Lorna is afraid and Nicky is fed-up.


**Author's Note:** More fluff, bc i read an angsty OITNB fic abt Nicky today and then cried for an hour. I'm not even kidding, I actually did. I need some fluff rn. The title, and some of the dialogue is taken from I Wanna Be a Homosexual by Screeching Weasel. Might continue this, might not. We'll see. Also, I know I haven't updated COTR in a few weeks. I'll get to it soon-ish. Until then, I hope you enjoy this! _**WARNING:**_ This fic contains homophobia, biphobia, lesbophoba, queerphobia, internalized homophobia, internalized biphobia, internalized lesbophobia, internalized queerphobia, self-hatred, depression and its symptoms, references to psychosis and its symptoms, mentions of an unhealthy relationship, food, references to sex, kissing, references to drug use, (possible) ableism, homophobic slurs, self-denial, lesbophobic slurs, queerphobic slurs, reclaimed homophobic slurs, reclaimed lesbophobic slurs, and reclaimed queerphobic slurs.

* * *

It was a shitty thing to say, Nicky knows that. Still, there was some truth in it. Everybody accepts themselves in their own time, and trying to rush them can do more harm than good. But it felt good to finally voice her thoughts about the brunette to her face.

* * *

 _Yet another argument about Lorna being straight and married had occurred at breakfast. Nicky had made a snide remark about having to find a new sex-cow, the latest in many jabs at her ex-girlfriend. That was the last straw for Lorna that day._

 _"_ _Can you fuckin' stop?! You're just pissed off because he's a man, right? Or is it because he's not you? Either way, that doesn't give you the right to be so upset about my happiness!"_

 _"_ _Your happiness, huh?! Well I didn't realize that your happiness meant living a fucking lie! He doesn't know a goddamn thing about you, and you married two months after meeting!"_

 _"_ _It's love, but you wouldn't know the first thing about that," Lorna snarls._

 _"_ _You're so full of shit! Why don't you admit that you don't have the balls to be a queer?" Nicky retorted, before busing her tray and storming off._

* * *

It's an open secret that Lorna was an in-denial bisexual. As much as she claims otherwise, everyone knows that she is attracted to women just as much as men. Nicky wonders how deep the denial went. If Lorna really doesn't think she's queer, or if she knows it and is just denying it.

 _Does it matter? Either way, she's full of internalized hate. Huh. Well, maybe that's why it matters, then._

Nicky, after the disaster that was breakfast, had retreated to her bunk to engage in one of her favorite pastimes (aside from sex, drugs, and being attached to Red's hip): doodling in her notebook. At the moment, she has her earbuds in, guitar rumbling from her Walkman into her ears, as she strokes a page with her pencil. It was meant to be a random naked woman, but is quickly taking on a familiar appearance, with the heart tattoo.

Nicky growls in frustration. Even her doodles are taking on Lorna's features. She turns the page, roughly, and begins a different drawing. This time she decides to try for an inanimate object, as those would be significantly less likely to take on the appearance of her ex-girlfriend.

As she mindlessly scribbles out a cactus, she feels a presence in the room. She glances up, to find a familiar face. Dark brown eyes, brown curls, and red lips greeted her. She tugs out her earbuds, and sets down her pencil and notebook.

"Hey there. How's my favorite not-lesbian doing?" Nicky asks, half-teasing, half-spiteful.

Lorna seems to cringe slightly at the remark. "Uh, pretty good. How are you?"

"Gayer than the Fourth of July, not that you'd know anything about that, right?"

"Yeah. About that…How did you realize you were gay?" Lorna sounds hesitant.

Nicky barks out a harsh laugh. "I saw the Fiona Apple Criminal video," She jokes. When Lorna's face remains an expression of confusion, Nicky tries again. "I realized I was gay when I realized that I was only interested in sexual and romantic relationships when they were with women."

"Yeah, obviously, but…How did you know?"

Now, Nicky is really curious. "Why are you asking? Afraid you might be losing your not-lesbian status?"

"More like afraid that you were right about what you said earlier," Lorna sighs, and sits next to Nicky on her bunk.

Nicky automatically wraps and arm around her. "Uh…Which part?"

"That I don't have the balls to be a queer."

"Hey, well, it took me a while to have the balls to be a queer too."

"Really?" She sounds surprised.

"No. Not really. I came out with 'Bull-Dyke' tattooed across my forehead. The doctors could never remove it. I cover it up with makeup and my hair," Nicky deadpans.

"That would make a lot of sense, actually. Not only regarding your confidence in your sexuality, but also why you keep that ridiculous hair of yours like that."

Nicky grins, and pretend-punches her shoulder. "So, are you trying to tell me that you're attracted to women and afraid and don't know what to do?"

"Yeah, maybe," Lorna replies, not looking at her.

"Well, we could start by tattooing 'Lipstick Bisexual' on your forehead."

Lorna erupts into giggles, and before Nicky can say anything else, presses her lips to the blonde's. Nicky hesitates before kissing back. After a moment, they break apart.

"Or maybe we could start with that."


End file.
